Religi-tics

Today's message came from S.

She told me that she's just about had it with folks spewing their political emesis all over her via Twitter and the Facebook.

Now, you know the sure fire way to get rid of all that is to hit "block/report as spam!"

However, I'd like to address this on a deeper level.

I'm deep. Like the cup of tea I'm drinking.

I,too, get seriously UHNoyed at folks.

These are my 5 favorite (and I use that term loosely)updates:

1. "JESUS LOVES YOU SO MUCH BUT YOU WON'T LISTEN TO HIM CALLING FOR YOUR BABIES IN THE NIGHT...."
(nothing says "What would Jesus do" like screaming at folks in a passive aggressive way!)

2. "Republicans/Democrats are carnivorous and will make off with your jewelry if you let them in your house."
(Um, pretty sure communists would too...let's not cast stones, y'all!)

3. "Sometimes I copy other people's status to see if they notice."
(Sometimes I pretend I'm a bazillionaire and live a life of leisure, but I don't actually DO IT!)

4. "People are dying from ___________ (insert disease here) and only 3% of you will post this as your status."
(Know what? I don't need people to read that. If I wanted someone to know some fact, I'd at least have some decent research to back it up!)

5. I don't care where the heck your bra, pocketbook, Strawberry Shortcake picture, or your cat is. The whole reason for social media is for building connections, not for being part of the pack!

OK, rant over..


Back to S.

Dear S,

Baby, you can do two things in this situation.

1. Block/Report as Spam
2. Sit back and enjoy the entertainment.

I'm a bigger fan of #1. Or, if it gets real bad, invite me over. I'll put my foot in my mouth for you!

Smooches,

Auntie Heifer

The Word of the Day

There are a lot of people in this world. When you get a lot of people together, you get a LOT of different opinions.

I mean, opinions are like ears---everybody has 2. Or something.

Well, today's email comes from a woman scorned.

Now, I don't think she's scorned, but apparently---the heifer that wrote the email, wanted to throw some scorn around.

And like I always say, throw around scorn, and wake up with dragon breath and cat tongue.

The gist of the email was this: There's some "family" drama.

A friend (not even a relative)of the Queen of the Center of the Dramaverse decided to get involved. Well this "friend" (I love using quotation marks for added finesse!)decided to throw around a bunch of scripture and use the name of Cheezus all at the same time--but not in a very nice way.

This email contains:

1 use each of the following terms: cold-hearted, evil stronghold, cruel, and messed up.

2 uses of the word: punishing

4 uses of the word: ashamed

and a whopping...
EIGHT (8) uses of the word: forgive

all before...
Quoting the Holy Bible in all capital letters.

I mean, really? Capital letters. For real, there were some angry folks in the Old Testament. They didn't write in capital letters. I mean, that guy Job---he had some major issues!

So my dear UNScorned Woman...a response:


Dear Crazy for Cheezus:

Now, I haven't been to the House of the Lawd in a long time. They kicked me out for having a broad...mind.

Anyway, last time I checked, being a good follower meant that you were nice to everyone and didn't condemn.

I won't cast the other stiletto here. I will simply tell you that karma, she's a heifer.

I'd hate to see you on the front page with camel toe!

Smooches,

Aunt Heifer

The Dress Code Debacle of 2010

Recently, one of Aunt Heifer's dear friends underwent some Extreme Makeover-ing of herself. She worked out, she lost weight--she's looking FAB!

Well, what goes really well with losing weight and feeling Fab?

DUH!?!?

New clothes!

Unfortunately, her boss didn't see things the same way.


The original email suggested that my dear friend read her employee handbook and then respond via email acknowledging that she was not permitted to wear any clothing that comes above the knee.

Your Aunt Heifer's response:

Dear M,

Don't let it get you down honey. She's jealous because she is not totally rockin' the hot bod like you. That green eyed monster can be such a heifer.

On the other hand, she said you couldn't wear anything that comes above the knee. So, I suggest you show up to work in a long skirt tomorrow. Oh, and since she wants no clothing that hits above the knee, I suggest going topless. You know, since shirts are above the knee?

Smooches,

Aunt Heifer

Inauguration...

Dear World,

Send me your snark, your belittling, your mortified masses.

And I will present you with emails that make it all seem better.

All names, identifying information, etc. will be removed for posting purposes.

Because...

sometimes....

we all need to laugh.

Smooches,

Aunt Heifer

email me at auntheifer at gmail dot com